Live like a Crime Lord: Step1

Authentic period clothing optional (from millerium arkay)

Are you a Tax Evader?  Super Paranoid?  Or just sick of being hassled by “The Man” in general?

Well, You’re in luck! Once taboo practices like illegal border crossing, name changing, and permanent relocation aren’t just for jewel thieves and those charged with treason anymore.  Everybody and their cousin is living like a crime lord nowadays!  Read on to discover the 6 easy steps you can take to do the same!

1- Change your name

2- Acquire henchmen

3- Relocate to an appropriate base

4- Appear greater than you are

6- Arm yourself!  With knowledge and dollars.

Today’s post will focus on step 1.  Changing one’s name is sheer indulgence in decadent grandiosity.  It condemns tradition, spitting in the face of those who named you*.  It’s a rite of passage, like going on a vision quest, celebrating a Bar Mitzvah, or picking out a pretty dress for your Quinceañera.  And it’s just so not cool to be average right?  Just think, have you ever heard of Robert LeRoy Parker and the Sundance Kid?  Both Mother Teresa and Lady Gaga changed their names from Agnes Bojaxhiu and Stefani Germonatta (guess which was which).  But the greatest thing is, if you live in the United States of America, it’s quite simple to change your name, you just have to pay the right people (Legal!)  Take a look at the flowchart below to find out where to start!

Now there are a couple of legal nuts and bolts to address.  First, you should know that you, “may be employed, do business, and enter into other contracts, and sue and be sued under any name [you] choose at will”. Coppage v Kansas said that its totally cool to call yourself whatever you want!  You don’t even have to pay anyone!  But that doesn’t mean much if you don’t get a snazzy new passport with your new name, so you might opt for the more traditional route… the courts.  Now don’t be intimidated, there’s a lot of paperwork and office navigation, some faxing and tie wearing involved, but it will be ok.

I’d say to stay away from online services (super sketch) and march right into your county’s Circuit Court (or just find out which court does marriage/divorce name changes, it’ll be the same one) and demand from them a Legal Name Change form.  You’ll get some paperwork**, fill it out (might take a few days, usually you need it notarized) then go to another office probably in the same building called the clerks office.  There you can pay for your papers to be filed, and all you have left to do is navigate to one more office, and set a day to meet a judge.  You’ll sit in the court for a tad, they’ll call your name, read it for everyone to hear, then stamp your papers.  Go claim your new identity!

Those are the bare bones basics, see the bottom of the page for resources and notes.

PS. But what name to choose?!  This is quite a conundrum, but the easiest way for me is to imagine how I will look on the cover of a magazine, or on a wikipedia page…  Notable examples below.

Paul Hewson to Bono (Normal to Rockin Awesome)

Jonathan Leibowitz to Jon Stuart (Jewish to Politically Correct)

Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus to Caligula [Too Long to Too Crazy (crazy cool)]

Resources:

Basic Info (read this)

State by State Info

Name Generator (I got Snarespring the Boss)

*Note: Don’t actually spit in your parent’s faces, even crime lords love their mothers.

**Note: Don’t worry if you have no legitimate reason for changing your name.  As long as it not too vulgar, no one in the courts really cares.